So, my life is kinda complicated right now. I have a lot of things I once set out to get, but I'm not where I want to be. It seems the older I get the less doors are open to me. I am without a job right now and can't seem to find one that doesn't just kill me inside. So many jobs I have had have been under terrible management and bring nothing but stress and distraction into my life. I have finally found what makes me happy but it seems as though there are a lot of things that i am dependent on. photography is so expensive to get into yet no one wants to pay for the services I am willing to put so much time and effort into. I have finally found the art that seems to calm my soul but the problem is that it's not something I can do alone. I want photography to be my career. The problem is, I can't seem to find a decent job I can hold, I am in dept, I can't afford school, I don't know anyone in the industry and no one seems to really care about supporting my efforts. I'm sitting in my room right now, which as of lately is made up of a small bed, and a small studio set up of lights and a background. I have tried lately to devote myself to my photography. I sit and browse the internet for more information about photography, i post adds and classifieds, I try to make connections, but not many today are willing to make meaningful connections online with anyone at my level because of how many terrible assholes there are out there taking advantage of people. I feel like my whole life I've just been falling through cracks. High school didn't make any sense to me and I didn't have any support through it. i didn't really have any of this journal entry planned out when i started. so if it seems as though i am rambling, i am. I just wish that my parents would have been around a bit more, or that someone would have really told me how important college would have been, or someone would have told me my first car was a piece of shit and was over priced, or told me that no matter what the man at the bank said, there will be interest on all credit cards. I wish I could find a job to get through college. I wish a college would accept me. I wish I had real friends, the kind that are there because they know you need them not just cause you ask. I wish I had friends that didn't pretend to be busy or ignore my messages. I wish I was important enough to someone to not be so ignored. It's so terrible to wake up and just wish that some how my life will be fixed. some how I will get an opportunity to go to college for my photography. but i sit here, with no model, no car, no job, no real friends, no money, in dept, and no idea how i will survive. I know that I have more equipment then a lot of people, and I feel like a jackass complaining at all. but i'd give up all of my gear for some sort of path or goal or someone to help me along the way. well... this is the last time I am asking for help. It seems the more I ask the more emo everyone thinks I am and the less support I actually have. I wish I didn't have to seem so desperate some times.